THE HEARTBREAK HOTEL

‘Heartbreak may be the very essence of being human, of being on the journey from here to there, and of coming to care deeply for what we find along the way’ (Whyte)

Last year, after 25 years of one-to-one therapy and compassionate leave after the death of my mother, I opened The Heartbreak Hotel. Periods of great pain can lead to periods of great change. And if we listen to ourselves closely enough, change that is re-invigorating and purposeful.

For some time I had wanted to move beyond the traditional framework of the 50 minute session into a space where people were cared for, looked after and given the time they need to heal. Run by women, for women, the Heartbreak Hotel is a place where women can join together when they feel broken and lost, where they are reminded that their pain makes sense, where they can recover and remember how lovable, capable, strong and powerful they are.

If you want to have somewhere where you can move beyond the stories in your life that have kept you caged, take ownership of your strengths, nurture your vulnerabilities and gain clarity about how to move forward, come along. It is a transformational process, over four days, on the beautiful coast of North Norfolk. Open fires, hot water bottles, comfy beds. Seasonal food and sparkling mocktails. Therapeutic experts, trauma healing, cold swimming, beach walks, and lots of laughing. This is no ordinary retreat, so take a look. I’m not seeing people one-to-one for the foreseeable future, but if you want to keep in touch with me subscribe to my new blog at The Heartbreak Hotel.

www.theheartbreakhotel.co.uk

@theheartbreakhotel.co.uk

Waking Up From The Nightmare: My Client And I On How We Tamed Pure-O OCD

Image credit

Have you ever thought of having sex with someone inappropriate, swerving the car off the road, or blurting out something shocking in a social situation? Most people have such unwanted thoughts from time to time. And most people are able to dismiss them.  But for a small number of people such thoughts become intrusive, pervasive and a waking nightmare. 

These people suffer from Pure-O (Pure-Obsessions), a crippling but rare form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  The main feature is persistent and intrusive thoughts of a sexual, abusive or racist nature, often including harming others. And it’s hard to think of a more pernicious and misunderstood mental illness.  

Whilst research shows that Pure-O sufferers are often the most principled amongst us, the potency of this disorder lies in its ability to shatter people's moral foundations.  Unable to dismiss their thoughts, they attributed catastrophic meaning to them, seeing them as indicators of their true personality.  And unable to ignore them, they became locked into a debilitating mental struggle to try to disprove them as again and again they are forced to confront their worst possible fears.

My client Pete (name changed), a 37yr old PhD student, has collaborated with me to write this piece.  In his words:

‘Living with Pure-O at its worst was frightening, shameful and at times made me despair… It made me think the worst of myself…My obsessions include(d) horrible words, derogatory terms for black people, homosexuals, words or sentences surrounding violence, physical and sexual in nature. Words like “rape”, “rape victim”, “bitch”, “slut”, “fag”, “nigger”…I started to obsess over these words, which undermined my sense of self, made me fundamentally question my ideals…I started to hate myself and tried to understand how I had possibly gone so far wrong to be “deep down” thinking all of this nasty stuff. I felt like I had lost the real sense of who I was…’

Unlike other forms of OCD, there is no external sign of the torment (i.e. hand washing, lock checking) instead the attempts to combat the obsessions are all mental…

 ‘I tried desperately to neutralise the bad thoughts/words/sentences by a variety of mental rituals. Sometimes I would say the opposite and remind myself constantly that this is what I thought and believed, at other times I would repeat certain positive words like “love”…other times I would ‘morph’ words so that I would avoid saying the entirety of the ‘bad thing’.

But trying to rationalise them, avoid them, disprove them only serves to maintain and add fuel to the most awful question of all – is this who I am?  Understandably Pure-O carries intense levels of shame, which makes people reluctant to seek help.  But there is an effective treatment, with an 80-90% recovery rate.  It is called ERP – Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) and comes under the umbrella of Cognitive Behavioural Therapies (CBT).

Contrary to what the Pure-O sufferer thinks, the content of the thoughts is not important for treatment.  It is the meaning attributed to them and the compulsions to disprove them that need to be targeted.   The aim is to repeatedly expose sufferers to their unwanted thought whilst not engaging in their usual response i.e. to understand them or make them go away. And through exposure, the brain habituates to these uncomfortable thoughts and learns to see them for what they are, just thoughts.  Try yourself repeating a word for two minutes… after a while the word loses any meaning.  In our sessions, Pete recorded the problematic words, repeating them over and over into the recorder.  He would then replay the recording between sessions until his anxiety at hearing the words diminished.

‘At times it was difficult to convince myself to do it as it was extremely unpleasant and other times it was just a plain nuisance, but most of the time it helped if I found the time/effort/strength to do it.’

Whist the causes of this disorder are largely unknown there is thought be a genetic component, and medication that blocks the re-uptake of Serotonin helps. But fortunately knowing why is not necessary to break free from the hell of Pure-O.  Pete has made a good recovery, and no longer meets the requirements for official diagnosis of OCD.  And like most mental battles there is the potential for it to ambush again.  But next time, he'll be ready.

‘Pure-O is not something you solve and never have to deal with again…but now it no longer plays an hour-by-hour role in my life. I have come to recognise it both as separate from me and a part of my make-up, and I am, most of the time, able to see the difference between the sorts of thoughts OCD throws through my mind, and the sorts of thoughts that are genuinely mine.’

 I would like to thank Pete for his contribution to this article. 

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The Power of Listening

‘The richness of life doesn’t lie in the loudness and the beat, but in the timbres and the variations that you can discern if you simply pay attention.’

Seth Horowitz

Back in the 1990s when people discovered I was a psychologist, they would cast their eyes to the floor, take a step away and nervously respond ‘I hope you’re not going to analyse me’.

I hardly ever hear that any more.  People have become more comfortable talking about themselves.  Now the most common response I get is ‘I don’t know how you listen to people’s problems all day’.  In two decades we have gone from not wanting to talk, to not wanting to listen.  

It’s no coincidence that this shift has happened at the same time as the digital world has exploded.  For a start we can find anything we need on-line, so the information value of listening has diminished.  And the relational value is being lost too.  Information is being used and exchanged like a commodity for the purpose of competitive advantage and self-promotion.   And we’ve forgotten that information has another function - bonding.

Add to this the current obsession with happiness (and the resulting intolerance to distress) and time poverty and it’s easy to see how we are in danger of loosing this most valuable key to unlocking our relationships with each other… listening.

The last time someone really listened to me, I cried.  Time slowed down and I was able to connect to a sadness that I wasn’t even aware of.  And because that person really listened, I trusted them.  And because of this we were drawn into a more intimate and bonding encounter.  And I felt much better.  We all need this; it’s how we connect.  And it’s how we come to know ourselves.

Listening involves letting the person finish their sentence completely…and orientating your response around them not yourself.  It involves suspending your thoughts and being totally present.  It is an act of generosity that will feel as good to you as it does to the other person.  But it requires practice and patience.  It is a skill I use everyday in my work, but not always in the rest of my life.  I set myself a challenge yesterday to monitor how well I listened, and was shocked to realise how much I interrupted.

And it’s not just better relationships you stand to gain.  If you really listen, people are fascinating.  A life coach recently told me that when he lets clients completely finish their sentences he is, 50% of the time, surprised by what they say.  You could argue that that is a 50% more interesting conversation.

So in answer to people’s question ‘how do I listen to other people’s problems all day?’  The answer is it isn’t hard at all.  When you are really listening, people tell their stories with great truth and openness – and when they do, it is never ever boring.  So how about you really listen to someone today, chances are you’ll be surprised by what they say and make a friend in the process.

Image:https://www.flickr.com/photos/ky_olsen/

How To Get The Better Of Your Emotional Demons

Everybody has fear and doubts, and everybody has an internal critic threatening to sabotage them.  Including me.  So, what makes some people able to create the lives they want and others not? One reason is that those who get stuck, are listening to their inner demons, and allowing them to be in charge.  I’d like to share a useful metaphor to explain this.  This was originally published in ‘The Happiness Trap’ by Russ Harris.

‘Imagine you’re steering a ship far out at sea. Below the deck, out of sight, lie a vast horde of demons, all with enormous claws and razor-sharp teeth. These demons have many different forms. Some of them are emotions, such as guilt, anger, fear, or hopelessness. Some are memories of times you’ve failed or been hurt. Others are thoughts like “It’s too hard”, “I’ll make a fool of myself”, or “I’ll fail”. Some of them are mental images, in which you see yourself performing badly or getting rejected. And still others are unpleasant sensations, such as tightness in your chest, or a knot in your stomach. Now as long as you keep that ship drifting out at sea, the demons will stay below. But as soon as you start steering toward land, they clamber up from below deck, flapping their membranous wings, baring their fangs, and generally threatening to tear you into little pieces. Not surprisingly, you don’t like that very much, so you cut a deal: “If you demons stay out of sight, down below, I’ll keep the ship drifting out at sea.” The demons agree, and everything seems okay – for a while. The problem is, eventually you get fed up being at sea. You get bored and lonely, miserable, resentful, and anxious. You see plenty of other ships heading into shore, but not yours. “What sort of life is this?” you think. “That land over there – that’s where I want to be heading”. But the demons down below aren’t particularly interested in what you want. They want to stay out at sea, and that’s final! So the moment you start heading for land, they swarm up onto the deck and start threatening you again. 

The interesting thing is, although these demons threaten you, they never actually cause you any physical harm. Why not? Because they can’t! All they can do is growl and wave their claws and look terrifying – physically they can’t even touch you. And once you realise this, you’re free. It means you can take your ship wherever you want – as long as you’re willing to accept the demons presence. All you have to do to reach land is accept that the demons are above deck, accept that they’re doing their level best to scare you, and keep steering the ship towards shore. The demons may howl and protest, but their powerless, because their power relies totally on your belief in their threats.  But if you’re not willing to accept these demons, if you’ve got to keep them below deck at all costs, then your only option is to stay adrift, at sea. Of course, you can try to throw the demons overboard, but while you’re busy doing that no-one is piloting the ship, so you run the risk of crashing into rocks or capsizing. Besides that, it’s a struggle you could never win, because there’s an infinite number of those demons in the hold. “But that’s horrible!” you may well protest. “I don’t want to live surrounded by demons!” Well, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you already are. And those demons will keep showing up, again and again, as soon as you start to take your life in a valued direction. Now here’s the good news: if you keep steering your ship toward shore (no matter how much the demons threaten you), many of them will realise they’re having no effect, and will give up and leave you alone. As for the ones that remain, after a while you’ll get used to them. And if you take a good, long look at them, you’ll realise they’re nowhere nearly as scary as they first appeared. You’ll realise they’ve been using special effects to make themselves look a lot bigger than they really are. Sure, they’ll still look ugly; they won’t turn into cute fluffy bunny rabbits; but you’ll find them much less frightening. And you’ll find that you can let them hang around without being bothered by them. (Furthermore, as you continue on that voyage, it’s not just demons that show up. You’ll also encounter angels, mermaids and dolphins!)’

So, once you know that your demons aren’t going to go away, your task is to limit their power and not let them stop you.  Many of us wait until it seems totally safe to make changes, I think it’s really helpful to recognise that this time may never come, and the best way forwards is often to take them along with us for the ride.

Ps. If you’re more of a visual person, you can watch this metaphor here .

5 Ways To Deal With Uncertainty Gracefully

'Madness is the result not of uncertainty but of certainty'

- Friedrich Nietzsche

Uncertainty is an unavoidable human experience.  It lurks in the shadows, and at times it can leap out,  clawing at our sense of security. Uncertainty can disorientate you, take away your sense of control. Once it has you in its grip, fear follows and sometimes dread. Feeling uncertain can be a lonely and desolate experience. It can take us to the bare bones of our existence -- but in fact uncertainty doesn't have to be overwhelming. Dealt with in the right way it's  not a weakness but a strength: 

1. First, give yourself permission to be uncertain, and don’t add to the pain by telling yourself you shouldn’t be feeling it.  Every single decision and choice, whether made by yourselves or someone else, automatically and necessarily involves uncertainty.  Unless you have clairvoyant powers, you do not know what will happen in the future.  To be uncertain is to be sane.

2. Surf it.  Remember, the intensity of all feelings passes. Uncertainty is no exception.  Intense periods of uncertainty pass, often as things become clearer, as they inevitably do.  Think of it like a wave coming towards you, rather than bracing yourself for the impact, let yourself float on top of it, letting it carry you until you're washed safely onto the sandy shore.  

3. See uncertainty as an unpredictable friend.  Sometimes rewarding, sometimes disappointing.  If you get stuck into thinking uncertainty will inevitably bring disappointment (or worse) your anxiety will spike.  Remember that good things happen too! Uncertainty becomes tolerable, exciting even, when we expect positive outcomes as much as we do negative ones 

4. Try not to let uncertainty into your bed.  Your mind will want to dwell on the ‘what if’s’ and a peak time for this is at night, when it’s quiet and you are alone in your sleepless head.  Tiredness doesn’t help, so postpone your worry until the morning.  You can find some sleep tips here.

5. Distract yourself.  You may not be able to get rid of it, but you can give yourself a break from uncertainty. Whether that’s a good work out, great movie, mindfulness meditation, or making dinner: do it. We all need respite.

Uncertainty is an inescapable part of human life.  Most people see it as a sign of weakness, but this couldn't be further from the truth. We fall under the powerful illusion that strong confident people are never in doubt and always know what’s what. They don’t, they just act like they do.  So remember this one thing: uncertainty is alongside you, don’t try and rid yourself of it. Instead see it like a hot, crowded train journey, where you don’t have a seat, and forgot to bring any water.  Its unpleasant, but vital and by enduring it gracefully you’ll get where you need to go.

Image credit: Jaume Escofet

10 Feelings You May Not Have Heard of...But Have Probably felt

Finding the words to express our feelings helps us make sense of ourselves.  And connect to others.

We know this because an unlucky few (10% of the population) suffer from a condition called Alexithymia – an inability to identify, distinguish or express their emotions.   And with this comes social detachment, alienation and decreased life satisfaction.  

But even without this difficulty, finding the right words to articulate our feelings can be difficult. Luckily Dr Tiffany Watt Smith has written the wonderful 'Book of Human Emotions' to help us. I’ve picked 10 feelings that I was delighted to find a word for.  See my other blog on this subject for more of my favourites.

1.  Ruinenlust:  A German word to describe feeling irresistibly drawn to crumbling buildings and abandoned places.  This is me all over, where I live has largely been dictated by this feeling.  I just didn’t know there was a word for it.

2.  Mututolypea: (Pronounced mah-tu-toh-leh-pee-a) an English word meaning an overbearing morning sorrow.  This word comes from the Roman Goddess of dawn ‘Mater Matuta’ and the Greek word for dejection ‘lype’. 

3.  Malu: This is one of those many experiences that we mistakenly think only we have or that signifies a lack of our own worth.  It’s an Indonesian word to describe that flustered feeling when we are in the presence of someone we hold in high esteem…when ‘the brain fogs over' 'sentences come out scrambled' and 'We may feel the overwhelming urge to run away’.

4.  Greng jai:  This is a Thai word meaning a reluctance to accept the offer of help from another because of the bother that it might cause them.

5.  Dolce Far Niente:  I love this one, it’s such an antidote to the dizzying imperatives to do more, achieve more, be more.  It’s an Italian expression translating as ‘the sweetness of doing nothing’ or the pleasure of doing nothing. 

6.  Cyberchondria:  This is the growing, but unfounded sense of concern about our symptoms that is fuelled by online ‘research’.

7.  Ringxiety: otherwise known as ‘phantom vibration syndrome ‘or playfully ‘fauxcellarm, this is the sense that your mobile phone is ringing when it’s not.

8.  Basorexia:  it’s not a romantic sounding word, but it means a sudden urge to kiss someone.  ‘Orexia’ stems from the Latin orexis meaning appetite.

9.  L’appel du Vide: From French, this literally translates as ‘the call to the void’ and describes that terrifying urge to leap of the cliff, the balcony, the platform.

10.  Abhiman:  (pronounced ab-ee-man) this is a Sanskrit word describing when the sorrow and shock from being hurt turns into a sense of self-pride or wounded dignity.

Our emotional lives can be bewilderingly complex, and although this complexity can’t be reduced to a few words, finding language means finding company.  And knowing that someone else, somewhere has felt it too, can be extremely comforting.

Image credit: Pei-Ying Lin

A Guide To Overcoming Superwoman Syndrome

The comic book heroine Superwoman first appeared in 1943 proclaiming that she was ‘all set for high adventures, excitement and romance’ – who could argue with that?  But forward wind to 2016 and the term superwoman is being used to describe a woman who is juggling work, domestic chores and childrearing – on the outside smiling and polished, on the inside fragmented by endless demands. 

What is Superwoman Syndrome?

Hoping to tick all the boxes of modern female life, the ‘superwoman’ wakes to an onslaught of tasks.  She feeds, dresses and wipes the noses of her children, before a speedy shower and dressing.  The clock is ticking as she checks her emails, grabs her shoes, and implores the children to get theirs.  And that’s all before she starts her working day. She’s striving all day, to stay ahead, be the best, field calls from the school (not letting on that they are in any way distracting), only to return to cook, tidy…check more emails, put a wash on, eat something, anything and sleep…fitfully. 

All very familiar.  But couple this scenario with unrelentingly high standards and you have the ‘Superwoman Syndrome’.  The main symptom is stress.  Often felt as anxiety, low mood, anger and frustration.  And physically through depleted energy, headaches, stomach problems, muscle tension, frequent colds, insomnia and loss of sexual desire.

Women with this syndrome are literally asking themselves to do too much, with too little time, and crucially…to do it all perfectly.  Not happy with any standard other than perfection she comes down hard on herself when she fails.  After all, the action hero Superwoman didn’t fail.  She was always there with her cape billowing, ready to rescue any situation.  But she was a superhero.  Humans have limitations.  And accepting this is the first step to combatting this syndrome.

But is it all bad? Certainly not.  Woman can be super, and wonderful (lets not forget Wonder Woman), and research shows they outstrip men in their capacity to juggle it all.  And feminists fought hard so that women didn’t have to limit themselves to one role.  So we are in good times, we can work and have children and have it all.  And this is enormously positive. 

Getting Perspective

The really crucial question to ask is ‘at what cost’?  Palliative care nurses have done research into what people regret most at the end of their lives.  The results may help clarify why this question is important.  The things that they dying regretted most were, in order: not living a life true to themselves, working too hard, not expressing their feelings, not staying in touch with friends and not letting themselves be happier. Sobering stuff.

An Alternative

An alternative can be found in the writings of philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche.  He described a kind of human super being who was able to master himself, follow his own values and not be subject to the ‘herd morality’ i.e. doing things because everyone else is.  His ‘superman’ could decide for himself.  And it is the same theme that runs through Marjorie Hansen Shaevitz’s book “the Superwoman Syndrome’ – decide what’s important in your life and do it well.

How to be heroic on your own terms

So you may choose to be a superwoman, but make sure it’s of the human kind. Perfect is an unreachable goal for humans.  The more you reach for it, the more you will feel frustrated.  As a human superwoman, set achievable goals…and you will feel heroic when you’ve reached them.

Achievable goals are important, but the real crux to combatting this syndrome is to set those goals according to how you personally want to live.  To work this out, try this exercise.

·      Stop for 10 minutes

·      Breathe for a solid 2 of those with your eyes closed

·      Next make a list of all the important areas of your life (family, job, friends, travel etc.)

·      Draw a circle and divide it up like a pie chart, according to how much each area is taking up of your life

·      Now draw another circle and divide it up according to how you would ideally like your life to be

·      What do you notice? Are there certain areas that are dominating and others that are barely reflected?

·      Ask yourself what you could do make your actual life more like your ideal life, one action at a time.

Just because we can have it all, doesn’t automatically mean we must have it all.  And this is why it’s so important to identify what you personally want.  In an age where we are increasingly told how to live, living life on your own terms is a radical kind of heroism.

How To Put 5 Uncomfortable Feelings To Good Use

The current obsession with the pursuit of happiness is a massive indicator that we are in emotional pain. If we didn’t feel unhappy we wouldn’t even be bothering about happiness.  And this relentless focus on positivity leaves us little option other than to keep the dark side under wraps.  So as a champion for all feelings, I want to show you how some of our thorniest emotions can enlighten and enrich our lives. 

Boredom

In boredom, time stretches, slows and even seems to stand still.  An oppressive sense of emptiness can accompany it as our sense of significance and purpose drain away.  And in boredom we reach for our usual distractions.  But in this state of emptiness lies the most fertile ground for creativity and change.  Keep automatically distracting yourself and things will remain the same.  Allow time to stretch a little and you may be surprised by how creative you can get. 

Reframe boredom as time to reflect, even if it feels uncomfortable.  It is often in times of stillness that we find out what we need. If you are a repeat distractor, start off with small periods of non-distraction and build up to longer periods…like training for a marathon.

Regret

Regret is our minds way of telling us to look again at the choices we have made.  And it gives us the opportunity to align those choices with who we are…or indeed who we want to be.  A cautious decision that results in a loss of opportunity, can motivate us to be more courageous in the future.

Regret is also a great chance to try and challenge the way you talk to yourself.  If you are prone to ‘should’ type thinking you will be more likely to struggle with regret.  It might seem a good motivator to tell yourself you ought to have known better, but it’s actually punishing.  And it is compassion rather than punishment that heals regret.  So if you feel regret it’s a good chance to practice cutting yourself some slack.

Guilt

Guilt gets activated when you have acted…or failed to act in a way that you feel is wrong and has caused harm.  It signals the opportunity either to put something right with someone, or to take a good look at the principles you are living by.  Guilt announces that you have transgressed an important personal value and this gives you the opportunity to realign yourself with those values…or reassess them.  Dealt with in this way guilt has the power to motivate rather than paralyse.

Envy

According to philosopher Betrand Russell, envy is one of the most potent causes of unhappiness. So it’s worth getting constructive about.  Think of it like a flag.  And on the flag is written the very thing that you need to focus on in your life.  Instead of feeling powerless in the face of someone else’s fortune, use it as a indicator of what changes you need to make.  Envy is blind, the latin for envy ‘Invidia’ means ‘non-sight’.  But see envy for what it is and you shine a light on the part of you that needs nourishing.

Shame

Shame is one of the loneliest of emotions.  But even in this most painful of places we can be constructive.  Shame is universal, and there is much to say about it.  For now though, shame is an opportunity to enhance your capacity for empathy and forgiveness.  If you have behaved in a way that you find embarrassing or wrong, look hard at the beliefs you hold.  Do you hold a belief that no-one should ever do anything silly, or foolish or wrong?  Is this realistic?  We’ve all said and done things we wish we hadn’t.  Are you really a bad person?  Or just human.  Imagine what you would say to a friend in a similar position, this can be a powerful tool to access your forgiving side.

Happiness is a wonderful feeling, but it is fleeting.  There are so many other sides to us.  Aspiring to be the best versions of ourselves, given our faults, is a better use of time than trying to live as if its wrong to have faults in the first place. 

‘To be fully aware and embracing of all that is within us and consciously seeking to be all that we can be is our most noble quest.’

- Carl Jung

Photo by stevanovicigor

The Power of Vulnerability

‘Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity’

-Bréne Brown

On a recent trip abroad I found myself in Gatwick airport at 4.30am.  And as I looked around at my fellow travellers, faces still crumpled from sleep, I felt what I could only describe as something bordering love.   And by the way, I’m not prone to feeling love for crowds of strangers.  But there was something about our shared vulnerability that broke down my usual barriers.

They, like me, had carefully packed their suitcases to comply with airport security, set their alarms at an unforgiving hour, arrived…and now, with body clocks a kilter, were about to put their lives in the hands of a stranger.

But why should vulnerability engender love?  Well precisely because it breaks down barriers.  But unlike me standing in the airport briefly glimpsing our shared vulnerability, purposefully displaying it can be risky.  There’s always the chance that someone will manipulate your trust, or reject you, and that’s why it feels dangerous.  But dare to do it and this is what you will gain.

1.    Vulnerability creates Intimacy

Intimacy depends on emotional exposure, often in the face of uncertainty.  And that doesn’t always feel comfortable.  But Bréne Brown’s ten years research into vulnerability has shown it to be the single factor the makes the difference between relationships that are strong, intimate and sustained and ones that aren’t.   Why?  Because sharing your private thoughts and feelings with someone lets them know that you trust them, that you value them, that you need them.  And in turn gives them permission to do the same.  

2.    Vulnerability counteracts shame

Showing vulnerability counteracts shame.  This loneliest of feelings takes hold when we think that it is unacceptable to be who we are.  And it gains its power by forbidding us to speak.  Taking the risk to share your worst assessments of yourself, and hearing that someone understands…and still loves you, strips shame of its potency.  And with shame diminished, acceptance can flourish.

3.    Vulnerability breeds compassion

When we understand that all of us are just doing the best that we can with what we have and know, compassion becomes possible.  Compassion stems from the seeds of shared humanity, and is nurtured by our ability to bear witness to our own and others frailty.  Emotional pain; like physical pain is not optional – we all get a dose of it.  We all feel vulnerable sometimes.  Acknowledging this is a great leveller and is at the heart of compassion.

4.    Vulnerability boosts confidence

In our efforts to hide our emotional shadows we build up walls between who we are and who we want to be.   Keeping our doubts, insecurities and needs under wraps so as to limit rejection.  And fear is the consequence…fear of someone finding out that we are complicated, contradictory, afraid, and imperfect.  But it only takes one person to see our ‘flaws’, and still want us, for the fear to be replaced by new confidence.  The kind of sustainable confidence that is born from knowing that you are ok, that you are enough.

Lets come back to love for a moment.  Take some time to think of the people you love.  And now think whether or not they have ever been vulnerable with you.  If you love them, I expect that the answer is yes.  Ultimately love can spring from the simple but uncomfortable acceptance that we are all struggling with fears, doubts and uncertainties.

To Struggle Is To Be Human

As a psychologist I’ve had the privilege of listening to people’s stories for 20 years. That amounts to something.  And one thing it amounts to is this…the knowledge that we all struggle. 

And we don’t often talk about this, because we think people don’t want to hear it, and we think we shouldn’t be struggling anyway. We should all be happy right? This adds up to a collective delusion. 

It’s exhausting trying to be happy, successful, funny and interesting every day. It’s draining trying to live up to the ideal of a ‘happy life’. And we feel shame when we don’t, the shame of thinking we are flawed in some way. So we hide away in the emotional shadows, licking our wounds until we feel sufficiently composed for the glare of the world again. Concealing the challenges of the night before with a cheerful face. 

To struggle is to be human. I can’t put it more plainly than that.

We struggle with the need to do something meaningful with our lives. All the while unsure of our part in the scheme of things; our significance in it all. We struggle with the burden of choice…and trying to make the right one against a backdrop of uncertainty. We struggle to connect, to be seen and to be understood. We struggle not to be swallowed up by despair when hope deserts us. We struggle with the desire to make a mark; leave some legacy that shows that our lives were worth something. We struggle to manage the anxiety of knowing we are going to die.  

Hard as these are, we compound the difficulty when we buy into a cultural narratives of happiness which are hard to live up to. And berate ourselves when we fall short. Instead of saying 'it’s human to struggle', we tell ourselves 'its weak to struggle'. And feel much worse.

So next time you feel overwhelmed, helpless, scared, lonely, confused or uncertain, soothe yourself a little with the knowledge that you are not alone and there is no shame in your struggle. We all get to this place at one time or another. And thankfully, most of us manage to feel our way to happier moments.

And I, like you, know about these happy moments. But right now I’m speaking for those other times. The ones we don’t talk of so much. And this is what I want to say...

You will feel lonely, and when you do, reach out.

You will feel afraid, and when you do, keep going.

You will feel helpless, and when you do, take action.

You will feel lost, and when you do, have patience.

You will feel hopeless, and when you do...struggle on.

It is in the struggle that wisdom lies.

Image credit: Alex Proimos