4 Things Worth Cultivating in Life

What makes life meaningful and worthwhile is not about what we have.  It is about what we do and how we do it.  Here are four things I think contribute to a good life.

1.   Flow

Flow is the state of being totally absorbed in a challenging activity.  It is the state of being present in the moment.  Named by Hungarian psychologist Csikszentmihalyi, Flow is the opposite of stress.  And contributes significantly to well-being. 

In flow, we feel energised and lacking in self-consciousness.   And we feel peaceful.  It is when someone could be calling our name and we don’t even hear it.  It is when we are hungry and exhausted but don’t even realise it.  It is when an activity feels effortless. I get it from drawing.

Here are the conditions necessary for Flow: 

·      The goal of the task must be clear

·      We need to be confident in our ability to perform the task (but interestingly there has be some element of challenge)

·      The task needs to have immediate feedback 

Life can be a challenge: full of stress, worry, frustration and disappointment. Find what it is that gives you Flow and abandon yourself to it as often as you can. 

2.   Courage

Everyone is afraid of something.  I feel nervous every time I write one of these blogs, but I still do it.  It's a small act of courage.  Courage is not the absence of fear.  It is action in the face of fear.  And it keeps us engaged, empowered and vital. 

And it is not just about putting ourselves out there to be scrutinised.  It is also about doing the right thing, even when...especially when, no-one is there to witness it.  It is going against the grain for something we believe in, or standing up for someone when we think they are being treated unfairly.  It is the act of getting out of bed when the chips are down, when hope is fast draining away or when fear has us in its icy grip. 

It may help to think of someone you know who is courageous, and when next faced with fear, think what they would do in your shoes.

3.   Generosity

When we’re feeling fed up or gloomy, we ruminate on our misfortunes and our mistakes.  We focus on ourselves, often with very little positive gain. 

On the other hand, doing something generous for someone else releases endorphins and activates the parts of our brains associated with trust and social connection.  It can be a generous act, or a generous word.  Research shows that being generous with our time, gives us a feeling of having more of it.  And being generous with money makes us feel wealthier.  And as well as the personal gains of generosity, it will also leave the other person feeling connected, supported, even loved.   It's a win-win situation.

4.   Gratitude

Gratitude is the act of noticing and counting our blessings.  Being thankful for what we have, not longing for what we don’t.  And going one step further it is the expression of that gratitude, to another person.  Like generosity it promotes social connection and feelings of happiness in both parties.  

Take a moment at the start or end of each day to notice what has gone well, what small acts of kindness or serendipity have there been.  And resolve to be thankful, either in your mind, or to the person who deserves your appreciation.  Research has shown that it increases happiness levels by up to 25%.

So what do these four things add up to?  Put it like this…your possessions will come and go.  Battles will be won and lost.  But when it comes to our final moments in life, we will never regret the times we were present, courageous, generous and grateful.

Image credit: NFMAphotos

How To Take Charge Of You Life

Many a good resolution falters because we forget to prepare ourselves.  Crops don’t flourish in unprepared soil.

Take me this morning as an example.  I woke up in a bad mood.  I was grumpy and tired. Some of the recent projects I had started felt daunting, possibly pointless. My tasks for the day felt annoying and overbearing. I wanted to go back to bed.   No doubt you’ve found yourself here before too, wondering where all the excitement of the New Year and new you went. 

It’s at this point that the content of thoughts often become dominated by blaming, complaining and giving lots of reasons for not doing things. Feelings turn from hope and excitement to defeat and disappointment.  Plans begin to whither. 

Preparation for change involves groundwork.  And maintaining change involves…well maintaining the groundwork.  So, here are my five tips to keep you (and me) on track with new plans.

1.     If you are a procrastinator, you will need to be prepared to opt for immediate discomfort in order to get long-term gratification.  Start by writing a list of the things you are avoiding doing, break them down into the smallest possible tasks and aim to do at least one.  Expect discomfort, don't let it stop you.  As you begin to gain confidence in yourself as a non-procrastinator you will feel more motivated. 

 2.     Notice the number of times you complain each day.  Are you happy with that?  Does it make you feel better? Chances are it doesn’t.  Complaining is a disempowering alternative to taking action.  If there is something you can do to change the situation, take steps to do it.  If not, let it go.   Mindfulness meditation is a useful way of learning to let go.

3.     Challenge yourself to act when you don’t feel like it.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of waiting until you feel like doing something to get going.  Waiting will leave you feeling dispirited. Taking action in spite of your feelings will leave you feeling energised and proud of yourself.

5.     Resist blaming yourself or others.  It gives the illusion of power but in reality will sap your energy leaving you or the other person feeling tired and dispirited.  Try to problem solve rather than criticise.  Perhaps the standard you have set for yourself or others is unrealistically high?  Try to fully understand what has gone wrong rather than opt for the quick ‘fix’ of blaming.

4.     Expect to have setbacks.  When bad weather strikes a farmer’s crop, he doesn’t just give up and go to bed.  He may feel disappointment, even despair…but he gets back out there to salvage the situation.  Seeing things as either a total success or total failure (black and white thinking) is particularly unhelpful in setback situations.  So you didn’t stick to your resolution this week, that’s a glitch, not a failure.  And beware of using setbacks as an excuse to return to the predictable, safe, state of affairs before you committed to change.

My invitation to you is to try this for a day (...an example of keeping the task small). As for me, since I woke up and started getting in charge, I have felt more positive and my projects feel less daunting. This is of course an on-going process. I will feel tired and cross again. But I know that when I do, it’s all down to me to nudge things in the right direction again.

Image credit:  Joe geraci

9 Surprising Ways Your Body Can Influence Your Mind

Most of us are aware that a positive attitude improves health and speeds recovery from illness.  But what about the other way around? Embodied Cognition is a term describing how the way we move affects the way we think and feel. 

An early study in this fascinating field showed that holding a pencil horizontally between your teeth activates the same muscles used for smiling...sending pleasure signals to our brain.  Other research shows that people who have Botox injected to reduce laughter lines are less happy afterwards, and those who have Botox injected to reduce frown lines are happier.   

If you've ever cried during a massage you will know that muscles are not simply an amalgamation of tissue and fibres.  They contain delicate traces of our emotional lives.  And have the capacity to engender feelings without the executive influence of the mind.

Our body can be an originator of feeling, and a powerful co-creator of our emotional experience.  And there's research to back it up.  Here are 9 of my favourite studies.  

1.    Have a hot a bath if you’re feeling lonely

Research shows taking a hot bath wards off feelings of social isolation and loneliness. On the subject of warmth, holding a cup of hot rather than iced coffee makes you more likely to see generosity and goodness in others.  This is part of a growing consensus that physical warmth is associated with interpersonal warmth.

2.    Tense your muscles if you need will power

An interesting study has shown that if you tense your muscles you are more likely to be able to resist tempting food, take unpleasant medicine and pay attention to disturbing information.

3.    Open your arms if you’re in pain

Psychologists have shown that if you stand with your arms and legs outstretched you will be more tolerant to pain.  Powerful postures make you feel more in control, even if you're not.

4.    Walk happily to remember more positive stuff

Shoulders back, arms swinging, chin high and a bounce in your step.  Psychologists have now shown that you are more likely to attend to and remember positive information if you do this.

5.    Cross your arms for persistence

Try crossing your arms when you’re next faced with a difficult task.  Research indicates you will be more likely to persevere and more likely to come up with the right solution to the problem if you do.

6.    Lie down for creativity

In this study people were more able to solve anagram puzzles when they were lying down rather than when they were standing up.  It appears to stimulate insight.

7.    Relax your body to make better decisions

One study has shown that keeping your body in a state of relaxation allows you to take in new information and make better decisions. 

8.    Wear sunglasses to feel less angry

An unusual study showed that people walking towards the sun without sunglasses were more likely to express anger than those with sunglasses.  The muscles used to shield naked eyes are the same as those used to frown. 

9.    Jump for joy

In this study literally jumping up and down made people feel happier.

Of course science is backing up what we have always known.  Our language has for decades shown our intuitive understanding of the connection between our minds and bodies.  We know about gritting our teeth, shouldering the burden, facing the music, having a stiff upper lip.  So if you need a little extra help with your mood, let your body do the work for a while.

Image credit: 55Laney69

6 Simple Strategies To Give Your Mood A Lift

If you’re like me, when you feel low you will:

•    Brood on your shortcomings

•    Scan your experiences to gather fantastic amounts of evidence to support these shortcomings

•    Stop accomplishing things

•    Compare yourself unfavourably to others

•    Frown

•    And dwell on yourself

Here are my 6 top strategies to combat this.  Let’s start with the brooding. 

1.    Identify your distorted thinking styles.

When you feel low you will tend to think in distorted ways. In fact, to a large extent thoughts dictate mood. This gives you leverage. If you can influence our thoughts you can lift your mood

Here are a few common distortions that you may recognise:

All-or-nothing thinking: Seeing things in black and white. For example, if your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a failure.

Overgeneralisation: Seeing a single negative event as indicative of a pattern of defeat.

Mental filtering: A single negative detail becomes the total reality.

Disqualifying the positives: Insisting positive experiences don’t count.

Everybody thinks in these ways some of the time. But when you feel low you will likely go to town with them.  Identify your own common thinking distortions.  Have a look at this for other common thinking distortions.

2.    Deal only in facts. Do not support your thinking with assumption.

Once you are in the grips of these thinking styles you start to scan your past. You handpick experiences that confirm your current view or yourself and the world. 

This can feel good as you prove yourself right. But take it from me: the vast majority of what you will be gathering will be assumption, conjecture and opinion. In a court of law, most of it would be dismissed with the shake of a judiciary hairpiece. Instead only use hard evidence and actual events to confirm and disconfirm your current thinking patterns.  Deal only in facts...and you are likely to discover the picture is more balanced than you thought.  Here’s a good exercise for thought challenging. 

3.    Be engaged in mastery. Accomplish through action.

Wallowing in this strangely familiar and comforting place of pain, you stop accomplishing things. I’m talking about mastery. It’s a beautiful word: mastery. When we feel low we are likely to incline towards distraction, pleasure seeking, solitude, inertia. Mastery rarely gets a look in. 

Mastery does not just refer to becoming an expert or an authority; it refers to the accomplishment of something, anything, and the sense of effectiveness this gives rise to. You can feel mastery by cleaning your teeth really well if you choose to. 

Here’s an idea. List your daily activities, hour by hour. Rate each one for a sense of mastery (0-10). Also chart and rate your mood. You will find that each time you accomplish something, however small, you will feel better.  

4.   Resist comparing your self to how others seem

Comparing yourself to others when you feel blue is normal. It can also be extremely detrimental. What you’re really doing is comparing your inner world with others’ external world; and finding yourself lacking. But you're assume what in all likelihood you do not know...someone may look confident but feel an anxious wreck inside.  The external does not necessarily reflect the internal. 

5.    Smile.

Now lets think about your body. How does it feel when your blue? Heavy, tired, stooped? Fit in body fit in mind they say. It’s true.  But this does not have to involve a punishing schedule of exercise. 

Start with a half-smile (or an all our full beam if you can manage it). Researchers at Cardiff last year found that people who had Botox injected to reduce laughter lines were more depressed.  The same researchers have also found that those who have Botox injections to reduce frowns are less depressed...and this was not to do with an increased feeling of attractiveness.   I'm not suggesting Botox, far from it, but I am suggesting we can use our bodies to affect our mood.

Before you dismiss it try it. Really try it. You’ll be surprised.  While we’re on it, you could also try striding out of the house with your shoulders back, your chin up and a purposeful step. New research out this year shows that imitating a happy style of walking increases actual happiness levels.   

6.    Think about somebody else.

Finally, low mood and depression can quickly mean you get locked into yourself. Next time you wake up in gloomy mood ask yourself who you’re thinking about. Instead of dwelling on your own concerns think of someone you know.  Why not do something for them? It's a simple way to make yourself feel good.

It can be hard to feel motivated or hopeful when we feel blue and often we wait to feel better before taking action.  But instead of waiting, we can do some really small things to make a big difference.

Image: Jon Sullivan

How To Find Your Ideal Therapist

Finding a good therapist can feel like a daunting task, there are thousands out there all with different approaches and theories about your emotional life.  But, find the right one for you and it can be an enlightening experience.  Start by narrowing the search to location. Here are my tips of how to proceed from there.

1.    Don’t expect perfection

I thought my last therapist was pretty perfect. I’d been seeing him for the best part of a year, when, during one session he fell asleep.  I’ll repeat that…he fell asleep!  Was I really that boring? His fall from grace seemed total and as I left that day was pretty sure I wouldn’t be coming back.  But I did go back and I found out he hadn’t been well and he was genuinely sorry for what had happened. It gave us the opportunity to explore my fears about why he might have fallen asleep.  Therapists aren’t perfect, but they should always acknowledge when they have got it wrong.

2.    Ask your family and friends

If you can be open about wanting therapy, ask for a recommendation.

3.    Go to your GP/ nearest NHS service

Your GP is usually the first port of call for any therapy help on the NHS.  However increasingly you can refer yourself straight to the psychological services in the NHS.  These services are part of the Improving Access to Psychological Therapy initiative (IAPT).  The therapy offered here is often time limited to 6-12 sessions.

4.    Go online

If you want to keep your search for a therapist to yourself, start online.  There are a number of directories that list therapists, many of which require them to show proof of qualifications.  One of the biggest is the Counselling Directory.  There are a bamboozling number of therapies and equally confusing number professional titles.  And most research into the effectiveness of therapy has identified the relationship with your therapist as the most important predictor of change.  Having said that it’s good to know the basics so you can make an informed decision.   

5.    If they don’t respond quickly, move on

It’s fine to contact more than one therapist.  Choose one that gets back to you in a timely way.  Responding quickly is a sign of respect and commitment.  For a guide, I aim to respond within 24 hours.

6.    If you don’t get what they say move on

In a first session you should do most of the talking.  However when the therapist does respond, it has to chime with you. If you’re left thinking ‘what?’ it may not be the best fit

7.    You need to like them

You don’t need to marry your therapist (in fact that would be inadvisable!), but you really do need to like them.

8.    You may feel worse as you explore your feelings, but you should feel better too

Therapy can be painful, as you give yourself space and permission to explore your feelings.  But you also need to feel relief and a gradual alleviation of your pain.  Don’t go on for months and months without feeling any benefit.

9. They must be professional and qualified

Look for the words ‘accredited’ ‘registered’ and ask about their qualifications.  A six-week counselling course does not constitute a full qualification.  For example to be a psychologist you need to train for a minimum of six years.  Professional…that means not overly familiar, being on time, working in a place that is clean and confidential and being clear about fees and payment.

10.       Be an active participant

Once you’re happy with the therapist you've chosen, do be prepared to put in the work.  50 minutes every week doesn’t count for everything.  The more you can apply what you learn in your sessions to your life outside, the more you will benefit.

Good luck.

image credit: Kenny K

7 Things you Need to Know About Your Self

Because we have one brain, located in one body we are prone to believe we have one ‘real’ self.  But this is problematic because we don’t tend to feel and act in a singular way. It's more accurate to think in terms of fluid, flexible and interconnected selves.  Here’s why...

1.     You are not one but many selves

Think how many different roles you inhabit in your life?  I’m sure you’re familiar with reverting to your grumpy adolescent self when you’re with your parents only to become more easy-going and relaxed when you’re back with your friends.  Which is the ‘real’ you?  None, they all make up the architecture of your personality.  Look at the whole landscape of yourself and recognise how wonderfully varied and interesting you are.

2.     Your self is changeable not fixed

You are the collection of all your experiences, memories, sensations, and beliefs.  Over time you will change as you experience different things.   People are often haunted by teenage experience, a peak time of identity formation.  But things change.  Be open to the possibility of changing as your life progresses. 

3.    Your self exists in relationship to other people

To compare ourselves to others is natural.  But beware the common error of comparing your internal, private selves to other people’s external, public selves.  A perfect example is Face Book.  People only post the shiny versions of themselves.  Compare this to the messy, complex, uncertainty of your inner experience at the peril of your self-esteem.  And don’t try to just show your shiny side, it will only alienate others.  We all struggle.

4.    You are the stories you tell yourself

Experiences cause us pain, but only in part because of what happens.  The rest is created by the stories we weave. The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is not what happens in their life, but how they interpret those experiences.  Be creative in your story telling and don’t get stuck with one narrative.

5.     Memory is not always to be trusted as a way of defining yourself

We like to think of our selves as coherent…so tend to recall memories that fit with who we think we are. If I’m feeling shy, I’m likely to recall a raft of awkward social moments. And forget all the exciting social encounters that disprove my story of ‘awkwardness’.  Beware selective attention; it will always result in a biased picture.

6.    Congruence between actual self and ideal self is difficult but important

The degree of alignment between who we are now and who we would like to be is a central concern to most of us.  Write a list of adjectives describing who you are, and another who you want to be.  Ideally there will be significant overlap. 

7.     Culture has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself

Susan Cain in her brilliant book ‘Quiet’ shows how the industrial revolution shaped how we value ourselves.  With the advent of machines, our society stopped valuing qualities such as integrity, discipline and honour and began to prize qualities such as being magnetic, fascinating and forceful. That our culture doesn’t always seem to value certain aspects of you does not mean they aren’t wonderful qualities.

However you feel about yourself today, try to celebrate what is extraordinary and ordinary in yourself in equal measure.  Recognise your amazing ability to be different things to different people…your infinite flexibility and sensitivity.  Be fair to yourself and recognise your achievements as well as your failures.  And be proud to be you…all of you, you are remarkable.

Image credit: Gisela Giardino

How to feel Happier in Just One Minute

‘Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others’

Cicero

When you’re feeling stressed, frustrated, dissatisfied ask yourself this. Am I thinking about what’s wrong? Or what’s right? The answer to this question is tremendously important. And your happiness depends on it.

So much of our lives are spent finding fault. With ourselves, our lives, with others. Without even knowing it we criticise, stress, complain, judge. We strive for more things, better relationships, different jobs.  And where does it get us? It gets us down, that’s where. 

Cultural and media messages don’t help. Advertising creates needs and desires that we didn’t know we had. Social media makes other people’s lives seem better than ours, and we feel bad about ourselves. So we strive for more. 

How to change this in just one minute? Gratitude, the act of counting your blessings, not your troubles. Here’s how it works.

Right now I’m sitting in a café, it’s hot and the door is wide open to the street. And there’s a man with a drill outside, so loud it’s right in my head. And now the music in the café seems too much and the chatting of others…I can’t think. I don’t like noise, and there’s too much of it, and now I’m hearing it everywhere. I’m going to have to leave, and now I’m cross, because I’ve just settled down. I’m tense and clenching my jaw, and feeling irritated

And here’s the flip of the coin. With great effort I drag my attention away from the noise (I may feel tense, but having a good moan also feels good) and make a gratitude list.

I am thankful for…

o   Being in a position to write this in a sunny, bustling cafe

o   You, for giving your time to read this

o   The other people in this café who are just being themselves and without whom I would be on my own

o   Being able to afford to buy this cup of coffee

o   Having friends and family who are bursting with love and integrity

o   For having a job that is infinitely interesting and humbling

o   The man outside with his drill who has given me the unexpected opportunity to be grateful

How do I feel now? My jaw has relaxed. I feel calmer. Connected. Happier. I really do.

Of course, things can get much harder than a man outside with a drill.  Life is full of painful experiences that take us to dark and frightening places. Whatever it is you’re struggling with, take a minute to turn your attention towards the small or big things that are good in your life. It may feel hard, but the rewards will be worth it.

You don’t need any thing other than willingness. In your head, on paper, make a list of things that you are grateful for in this moment. Try making a habit of it, every morning spend one minute doing this. Exercise your brain this way and it will become a habit.

If you need any further convincing for the benefits of gratitude, research has shown that it can increase happiness by as much as 25%, improve sleep, enhance decision making skills, strengthen relationships, decrease materialism and increase optimism.  That’s not bad for what can amount to just a minute a day.

Image credit: Gisela Giardino

How to Cope When You're Feeling Lonely

"The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and to a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence.”

Thomas Wolfe “God’s Lonely Man”.

Loneliness is a central and inevitable fact of being alive.  While common to all of us, it comes in many guises.  At times quiet, at others deafening.  At times cutting to the very core of our being, at others the simple longing to be in the presence of another.

The Loneliness of Being Human

On the surface this feels like a confused mingling of anxieties…about our achievements…about how we compare to others…about getting older…about making decisions.  Underneath there is a glimpse of the existential realities, that we alone are responsible for our choices, for creating our lives, and that no one can really fully understand what its like to be us.  

The Loneliness of Loss

 This is the loneliness brought about through separation. 

It can result in a profound sense of longing, isolation and powerlessness.  When hour after hour you long for another person to share your thoughts and fears with…and there isn’t anyone there.

The Loneliness of Technology

Technology allows us to connect like we have never been able to before.  It can bring people together in ways that can certainly mitigate loneliness.  But the sting is that unless we are really talking honestly we remain on a superficial footing with each other.  Near by but miles apart.  This is what psychologist Sherry Turkle calls being ‘alone together’.

But can we hope for more than being alone together?  I think so.   Here’s how…

1.    Break the Silence.

And in doing this you will hear the only reassurance that you will ever need – that other people feel it too.

 2.    Work with It Not Against It

Loneliness is an opportunity to reengage with some fundamental questions. If you can bear to sit with loneliness for a little bit longer, a bit more often, you will give yourself the chance to see ways forward that are meaningful to you and not the consequence of trying to escape feeling lonely. 

3.    Look for Similarities in Others, Not Differences 

We spend too much time noticing the differences rather than the similarities between us. We all crave to be unique and to stand out from the crowd, but what we crave more is social warmth and acceptance. This comes from what we have in common.

4.    Make Yourself Contact Someone

Call, text, tweet, write… It might be the last thing you feel like doing. Do it anyway. The effect will be immediate.

 5.    Reach Out to Others Who Might be Struggling

If you know someone who seems lonely be it through isolation, depression or bereavement, practice being a good friend. Try and imagine what you need when you feel lonely…a call once a week, a date in the diary however far in advance, a text.

6.    Smile – Even When You Don’t Want To

Try smiling at someone as you walk along, when you get a smile back you will feel instantly better. A shared smile is both connecting and uplifting. It is an internationally recognised symbol of friendship.

7.    Read.

Wise people have written about the nature of the human condition. You will feel immediately calmer about feeling lonely when you hear it articulated as a universal experience and struggle. A good start would be Daniel Defoe’s Robinson Crusoe.  Read books, blogs, poetry, it’s all there. 

At different times in our lives we move along the spectrum between loneliness and connection.  Try not to feel ashamed or afraid of being lonely.  We can’t hope to get rid of this powerful and human feeling.  But by sharing our inner lives we can hope to understand loneliness and connect with each other in spite of it.

Image by: Lilivanili  

Do you Need to Cut Yourself some Slack? ...The 5 Best Ways to Beat your Inner Critic

The truth is that most of us carry around a harsh inner critic who undermines us and taunts us. Much of the time it’s a subtle commentary. Sometimes it can get abusive.

Some of you will recognise this voice immediately. Some of you  may barely even notice how it eats away at your confidence. Some of you will argue that it’s justified. That it’s a good motivator. That it helps keep you in check.

It isn’t and it doesn’t. To learn to fight back, read on.

1.   Get To Know Your Internal Saboteur

Make a note of what this adversary is telling you. You will likely find that he or she is always lurking, whispering toxic assessments of your actions. This saboteur is attuned to seeing what is wrong. It will nag at you, undermine you, criticise you.

Listen out for it especially when you have new hopes and plans. Or when you are with other people. First dates, business meetings, public speaking – this saboteur goes to town when you feel exposed.

2.   Externalise Your Critical Voice

Now you are in a position to get some perspective. Think of a friend. Now imagine that this friend is talking to you in the same way you talk to yourself.

Would you stand for it?

Chances are you would feel defensive and aggressive. You would be far more likely to stand up for yourself against an attack from the outside than you would from one from the inside. Imagine what you would say to that friend in your defence. Build up your case. 

Alternatively, imagine appraising your child, friend or mother with the same language you use on yourself? How do you think it would make them feel?

3.   Discover What Rules You Are Transgressing

The inner critic operates according to rules ­– the rules you have set yourself to live by. It thrives in the realm of “must”, “ought” and “should”. You should have got the job...you must be thinner… 

The voice is also happy in the realm of “if” and “then”. If I am funny, then people will like me. If I’m thin, then I’ll be happy. As you listen, you may start to realise that some of these rules are absolute, leaving no room for human error. These rules may once have protected you from getting hurt, if they are now causing hurt  they are out dated and no longer helpful.

4.   Look at The Impact

Assess the advantages and disadvantages. For example, you may think that criticism is a good motivator. That telling yourself you’re lazy galvanises you. Prove it.

Every time you tell yourself you’re lazy notice the effect it has on you. If you feel humiliated following a job interview, do you end up feeling better or worse having told yourself that you’re a fool?

Feelings such as shame, embarrassment and humiliation are all the territory of the inner critic. And a good indicator that it is at work.

5.   Practice Compassion… Not Condemnation

Compassion is increasingly thought to be the most critical factor in living a happy and meaningful life. Practice compassion towards yourself and you will see the quality of your relationships with yourself and others transformed. Again, imagine how you would sooth a child or best friend in the same situation.

The trick is not to try and eradicate the critic, what we resist tends to persists.  Instead focus on arguing back, rationalising, and being compassionate.

Image credit: Thor

What your coffee order can reveal about your personality

Last year Clinical psychologist Dr Ramani Durvasula conducted a survey of 1,000 coffee drinkers.  Participants were given different scenarios and asked to choose from a series of responses. These were then studied according to different personality types.  Their coffee order was then noted.

Here’s what she revealed:

·      Black coffee drinkers liked to keep things simple, were patient and efficient, but could be quiet and moody and a bit set in their ways.

·      Latte drinkers (and those who add milk/cream and sugar) tended to be people-pleasers.  They were generous with their time, would go out of their way to help others but could get a bit over-extended and forget to take care of themselves.

·      Frozen/ blended coffee drinkers liked to try new things, were socially bold and often trendsetters.  They were spontaneous and imaginative but could be reckless and fall for quick fixes.

·      Decaf/ soy milk and speciality coffee drinkers could be obsessive and perfectionist.  They made healthier choices but also tended to be worriers and oversensitive. 

·      Instant coffee drinkers were laid back, traditional and took life as it came.  But they tended to also procrastinate and make poor planners

Like all these kinds of studies they only show an association, it’s quite possible to be a generous, spontaneous and imaginative black coffee drinker. 

p.s. I drink black coffee

Image credit: Marina